Monday, November 9, 2009

Goddamn Beavers!

When I was 13, I bought the FM 21-75 US Army Survival Manual at Barnes and Noble. It is a very stupid book. It seems especially stupid when read by a chubby 8th grader living in the suburbs. The greatest threat to my survival, at the time, was the risk of masturbating so much that my penis fell off and I bled to death.
The stupidest passage in the book occurs on page 26 of Chapter 7 [Wildlife for Food]. The subsection is labeled "Beaver." From here, I will only quote the Army.

"Wait for the beaver to come on land, then club it, drop-kick it, hit it with a rock, or catch it by the tail. It is a sturdy animal, so if you catch it by the tail, swing it in a pendulum motion until it begins to relax, then swing it against a tree or the ground or use a noose to kill it. Another way to get a beaver is to dig out the beaver dam so the water drains. The beaver will come to inspect the damage at which time you can straddle the channel and grab the beaver by its tail as it swims through. Immediately start to swing the beaver as above. CAUTION: Take care to keep it from biting you. Its bite will leave a large wound.

I thought that this passage was just bullshit when I read it. I thought that the General who wrote this thing got fired and that's why the Army started selling it to 13 year olds in the suburbs who jerk off every fifteen minutes.
This summer, I met some girl whose brother just finished training for the Special Forces. She dared me to test his know-how. So we texted him asking him how he would go about killing a beaver. Seconds later, he responded: "swing it by its tail and and smash it against a rock." Seconds after that (as if the first answer wasn't good enough) he added: "Or drop kick it."
I'm sorry YouTube doesn't yet offer footage of a man drop-kicking a beaver. But it will happen, one day. Shit it's probably happening now. While we wait, however, I have to wonder what's really behind the development of the Army's not-so-secret beaver protocol.
Beavers only really hang out in America and Canada. So why would the army insist on training every American soldiers how to kill them bare-handed? Perhaps they're banking on the inevitable souring of American/Canadian relations? Perhaps they're anticipating a savage, beaver eating, ground war between the two great nations. Well, after watching this creepy cannuck stalk beavers through the arctic tundra for fun, I'm giving up right now. You can go ahead and wipe your pasty asses with the Declaration of Independence and start teaching our kids French, Canada.
I suggest everyone else out there adopt the same attitude.
Did you guys watch the bear post? We have no fucking chance! None at all. Don't let this be another Vietnam. Or Iraq. Or Afghanistan.
Also, forget about killing beavers with your hands. These little bastards are even tougher than the Canadians. That psycho fucking shot that beaver with a hunting rifle and it just kept going. He shot it. And it lived. What a horrible world we live in. And if you don't believe me, I dare you to watch the next video. It's double-horrible. I'll be seeing this kid in my nightmares.

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