Sunday, January 31, 2010

Rip Torn

This scene, disturbing though it may be, makes you wish you had a time machine AND the power to raise the dead. If you could have both of those things Norman Mailer could fucking kill Rip Torn --old man zombie style.

But, wait.

Then we wouldn't have Artie. Scroll ahead to 7:15. I imagine this is what he sounded like when Troop B of the Connecticut State troopers rolled up to find him trying break into a bank, five hours after it had closed.

How can someone be such a jovial, charming dude and also be possessed by the fucking devil?

Shouldn't they just let him go? For god's sake, he almost murdered Norman Mailer and lived to forget about it.

What's Better Than Watching The Grammys?

Looking at pictures of Tom Selleck in a waterfall with a sandwich. Duh!
See more here.

Cuff + Great Dane = Random Combo # 5

So, by my search terms, and the video that came up... I'm going to try to piece this together:

This guy, from Denmark, was obviously arrested by a baby. The baby used those plastic cuffs on him, but he tore through them while the baby was distracted by the movie "The Great Escape".

Now, I'm not sure if the baby was Danish or not... but my guess is that it was one of those fearless Ruskie babies. Seriously... we need to take care of those little pinko fuckers ASAP.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Brendon Fraser...

... just might have some issues...

Aaaaaand let's see that again...

And you can't forget the obligatory re-mix...

Friday, January 29, 2010

Owl Dance Party!

Even the wisest of owls isn't above getting crunked up and shakin' his feathers on the dance floor. After all, Strigiformes are mostly nocturnal creatures and everyone knows that the children of the night just want to dance.


Flickr Friday

Oh boy, it's Flickr Friday time!


So THAT'S what a young witch looks like

Get down from there, you creepy Shrek lookalike 

Oh yeah? Well, make dentist appointments not stupid graffiti, you dumb Brits

Said like a true pedophile

 I wouldn't trust real-life Pooh alone with Christopher Robin

Well I guess that's one way to eat pussy

Matthew Broderick and his lovely bride Sarah Jessica Parker take a well-deserved water break

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Yogi Is A Pussy...

...especially around pussies.

1. Bears are not afraid of Russians.
2. Cats are not afraid of bears.
3. Cats are not afraid of Russians?

Next time those Commie bastards try any shit, we need to have a pack of Good Ol' 'Merican Pussy at the ready to drop onto their country.

4. Russian babies laugh too much. Holy shit. It's not THAT funny, baby. Why do you keep laughing, baby? Aren't you afraid your cat is going to die, baby?
5. Russian babies are obviously not afraid of death.

If we eventually send a kitten bomb to those pinko commie bastards, the first places we should aim for are nurseries and orphanages. Once we take out the little maggoty commie pinko bastard babies, the rest of the population will be easily dominated by the rest of the kitties.

Take that Russia.

R.I.P. J.D. Salinger

J.D. Salinger passed away earlier today. He was 91. We're sure he's in resting peacefully in a tucked-away corner of heaven.

Yes, Salinger was best known for writing The Catcher in the Rye, but did you know that he also fathered Captain America? That's his son, Matt, as the Cap in the 1990 Hollywood disaster Captain America.

Evangelical Baby Gets Remixed

Evangelical Baby is about the creepiest thing floating around the internet--and that's saying a lot considering all the videos of furries there are. And in the spirit of internet videos, Evangelical Baby has received the full remix treatment. Below is the original followed by my favorite (because it is so unabashedly offensive) remix.

And the remix:


My New Best Friend, Spongebob Dance Girl.

I can probably watch youtube videos of people doing the Spongebob dance all day, but my new bestie does it best.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

If You Don't Like This Picture, You Have No Soul.

Which means you are a Ginger.

The Worst Person This Side Of Hitler

Nothing funny about this, just some fuel for hatred in case you're in one of those moods. Sadly, there's probably millions just like her...sometimes I wish hell existed and had a TV channel.
(Click on the image for a larger view.)

Despite Its Title I Still Feel Like "Pardon Me" Owes Me An Apology

No doubt you will feel the same. Maxine Swaby combines the voice of a deaf angel with the screen presence of a lobotomized mime for what is sure to become an instant classic at Los Internet HQ. Without further ado, here is Maxine Swaby performing her hit single "Pardon Me."


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Rooster + Pulp = Random Combo #4

In the spirit of keeping to the rules of my random combos, I picked the first video that popped up after the search... kind of graphic... my apologies in advance.

So... I mean, really? This is what kids do these days? I mean, at least the guy with the camera is trying to do something semi-creative. Somebody give these kids an outlet or something. Or teach them about metaphor before you show them Fight Club. You're not Tyler Durden, get over it.

I love part of the vid description: "*Deleted scenes not suitable for moral reasons-When Michi attacks Ronny, and he takes that psycho down! To a pulp*"

I'll search for a video of someone beating their head against a wall until they pass out. That's the only way I can top this I guess.

My New Hero Is A Chinese Window Washer

His worth ethic and deer-in-the-headlights face are second to none. I just love him!


Friday, January 22, 2010

Ask Steve Muñoz: How Does A Fax Machine Work?

Alternatively, this post could've been titled "If You Know How A Fax Machine Works And Want To Forget, Just Ask Steve Muñoz How A Fax Machine Works."

Seriously, his explanation is so confusing you might just forget everything you know about faxing. It's almost like he's just winging it, with no script or rehearsal to speak of. Perhaps someone should've faxed Mr. Muñoz a script before recording, eh?


Mini Daddy Is The Best Child Reggaeton Artist Of All Time

Is it those ridiculously ginormous cheeks? Or maybe it's his impeccably perfect head slide. Perhaps it's the fact that though he's only seven years old and he already looks like he undresses girls with his eyes (not to mention that he could beat the crap out of me if he wanted to). Whatever it is I am in absolute awe over Mini Daddy. He is the best thing to happen to reggaeton since the sub woofer. His song "El Niño Mas Bonito" (which translates to "the most beautiful boy") is perhaps the second greatest song sung by a child. (The first belongs to none other than Jordy.)

P.S. Feel free to watch 2:12-2:14 over and over again.

P.P.S. I'm tempted to make this the official song of Los Internet (whatever that means).

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I love Captcha.

Because it's so random, you know? Their word pairings never make any sense!

*note: this was a real captcha.




Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Brick + Cloud: Random Combo #3

A Capella? Really, youtube? This is really all you've got to offer a guy who input the awesome keywords "brick" and "cloud"?

Ehh, I guess it could have been worse. Like I could be doubting my sexuality for having watched a complete video of an a capella group singing a Ben Folds 5 song. Oh shit...

Ok, ok, they've got some talent. But did the soloist really have to seem so disinterested? With less charisma than bubblegum stuck under a school desk, the guy could have actually left the room and brightened up the video.

Gotta say though... evidently, there are some cute girls in a capella groups. Is it possible for me to get laid through this blog? HEY, HOT GIRL IN THIS A CAPELLA VIDEO, HOLLA BACK!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Flask + Lightning: Random Combo #2


The official title of their video is "Tesla Coil + Argon + Paper Towel + Sword = Fire and Lightning". I cannot think of anything more EPIC, and the video does not disappoint.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Horse + Bell: Random Combo #1

In an attempt to find something original on youtube, I have begun entering a couple of random words at a time into their search bar, then posting the first hit.

Today's Entry: Horse + Bell

Honestly, I thought that this was going to be a really cool clip that featured a really old, rust-encrusted bell that, when rung, would bring all of the horses on a farm into the stables for dinner-time.

I was incorrect...

Instead I found a REALLY COOL CLIP ABOUT A GIRL'S HORSE, NAMED BELL! It shows Bell walking. It shows Bell eating. And it shows Bell walking AGAIN! And then, when you think you can't stand enough, it shows Bell standing!!

Also, look for: Grass, dirt, and poop; Bell's stare that might look despondent, but really, with so much love in the room, Bell obviously just can't take it; the Newsboys' song "I am Free" playing in the background with thousands of fans in agreement with them: Jesus Rocks! (I agree with the youtube commenter: the song goes nice with the vid); BONUS FOOTAGE of gerbils and dogs!!

More Random Combos to come... Obviously.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Ain't Nothin' Wrong with a Trippin' Kid

Yes, so I realize I'm late on this one, but it's one of those clips that makes me cry laughing and gets better every time I see it. What is there not to love about a little kid who just got out of the dentist's chair after having his tooth removed?

Oh, yeah, and he's high as shit on Nitrous Oxide...

Their website can be found here if you'd like to pick up a t-shirt...

Also, here's a pretty great parody... well, pretty great it you're Terzi anyway...

Everybody get your legs!

"I'm making pillows. Burn them slowly, keeps them fluffy! Mmmmmm, pillows."

"Dogs' scrotums. They stretch."

"Your mum's at the door again. Bury me. Bury me deep."

"Legs time! Everybody get your legs!"

"Vampire penguins? Zombie guinea pigs? We're done for.... done for."

"I can't control the kittens. Too many whiskers! Too many whiskers!"

"Robots making sweets? But they've got no taste buds! Metal smarties."

What is all of this gobbledy-gook? Why, they are the late-night ramblings of a sleep-talking man!

Check out the rest of them here!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Yo-Yo weapon

It's a shame that I'm so lazy. If I weren't, I'd write an action thriller about a super evil badass who uses a Yo-Yo to terrify the feudal Phillipino countryside.
Then again, even if I took up waiting tables and working non-stop on the project (maxed out credit cards, lost girlfriend, etc.) it would probably end up looking like this:

Don't Fuck with an Octopus


This is what God makes you do for a thousand years if you haven't been good enough to go right into heaven.

Ho-Mo Pause

Dear Homosexuals,

Are we really still worried about the word "homo." Or specifically, the more dramatically disyllabic: "Ho-mo"
Kanye West, a modern bard to be sure, recently re-invigorated the term "no ho-mo."
There is a VERY SERIOUS documentary about the phrase "no ho-mo". I encourage you not to watch it. It is so serious and comprehensive piece of journalism, full of thoughtful interviews (mostly Ho-mos) that you may be ensconced, for hours, in deep reflection.

Instead, you should watch these old clips about the Mike Tyson, Mitch Green 1986 scuffle.

A simpler time, perhaps, where the word Ho-Mo was too ridiculous to interview a series of morons about.

No homo.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Flickr Friday

2010, meet Flickr Friday; Flickr Friday, meet 2010.

Brothers recreate childhood photograph

You look right at home inside that waste bin

Mmmm...what I wouldn't do to take a bite out of that pasty thigh

Your Meow Mix is coming right up

There's nothing about this that doesn't make me confused...or sad

Parrot to tourist: What's the capital of Thailand? BANGKOK!

Awwwww! What an adorable killer puppy!

Gee wiz! Bruce Willis's new movie looks AWESOME!!!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Who's up for a hike?

Camping is great. I do it as often as I possibly can. I've camped in rainforests, in the bush, and on beaches. I've camped in sauna-like heat and bone-chilling cold. I've camped for a weekend, and I've camped for months at a time.

The one thing that I've never been able to understand about camping though, as related to the human proclivity to solve problems, is why we still are not able to take a hike (an action that goes hand in hand with camping) in the middle of the night while staying comfortably warm like you would be in your toasty, cold-weather sleeping bag.

How has someone not though about this? It has practically invented itself...

Welp, I'm Moving To Milwaukee!

Why would I move to that cheese and snow and fat people infested city, you ask? Simple, they have the best and most action-packed local news in the US. Here's the proof:

Wanna move with me? Let's find a place!


Meet Scoops Callahan, The 1920s Sports Reporter Who Attends Present Day Press Conferences

Tom Gribble is the coolest, most awesomest sports reporter working in the field today. Not because he's done an exemplary job producing the BaD show on Dallas's 1310AM, The Ticket (which I've never actually listened to), but because he attends post-game press conferences in the persona of Scoops Callahan, a 1920s-era reporter who asks pressing questions like, "Talk about the long touchdown pass to Donte Stallworth. It looked like you two were doing the Jitterbug while the Dallas secondary were doing the Charleston."

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Awesome New Blog Alert: Nic Cage As Everyone

Imagine a world where every famous person ever was Nic Cage. Now calmly pick up the pieces of your blown mind and head over to Nic Cage as Everyone and have your mind blown all over again. Enjoy!



Check Out My New Obama Action Figure

Pretty sweet, huh! I got it for Christmas. I'm not sure why it doesn't come with arms or legs, but I think it looks cool anyway. Thx Santa!!!!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Greenscreen Grandmas, I Looooooove You

These bitches are crazy! There's nothing better than two grannies hootin' 'n' hollerin' 'n' barkin' as they pretend to ride a roller coaster. I just wanna squeeze in between them and play along with them. Oh Greenscreen Grandmas, I hope you never die.

Also, I like the part where lime-green grandma makes part of her right arm disappear. That's a good trick.


My New Best Friend: Boise State's Cowbell Girl

I've been pretty bored with the people I hang out with lately. Not anymore! My new BFF loves life and is the coolest chick I've ever met! Work that cowbell, Bestie!!! XOXOX


Sunday, January 3, 2010

Yeah, so...

... even though I posted it... I don't think I want to have any more to do with it. Take it as you will...

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Just one of those days...

When your day starts off like this...

... and you need to relax by the time the whistle blows, sometimes all that can pacify you is a great big bowl of soup. Chicken noodle, lentil, gumbo, or...

I mean, really, just a couple or 6 shots of soup should set you straight. I wonder what they're serving for dessert.

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Decade, New Rules

Happy New Year, Everyone! But watch out for those inanimate objects this decade... the rules have changed!